


To Be Adored Again

by inkheart9459



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24366238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkheart9459/pseuds/inkheart9459
Summary: Once, before Era One, before the colonies, before Pink even, White had been happy and in love with Yellow and Blue. It was perfect, and perhaps that had been its downfall. She had wanted to give her loves everything, a perfect society that they could rule over together, forever, but that had more than blown up in her face. She had hurt her loves instead. Returned now to Home World with Spinel things are better than they have been in millennia, but it still isn't enough. She still longs for them, but she's too terrified to try and win them back again. If they say no, she'll shatter, she knows it. However, Spinel is a blessing in more ways than one.
Relationships: Blue Diamond/White Diamond/Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe), Blue Diamond/Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 56





	To Be Adored Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you watch the steven universe movie and get "Let Us Adore You" stuck in your head for a week straight. And also you're really gay for the diamonds. I have no regrets.

Being back on Home World felt different now, lighter, more whole. Spinel had given them back a balance that she had wondered if they would ever have again. Steven certainly hadn’t wanted to fill it, but they had all so longed for it, that even living on Earth had seemed like a viable option. After seeing it, destroyed as it was from the battle, well, Home World seemed a blessing. She hadn’t truly wanted to leave her home anyway. She never had liked change. She supposed that was why they had all ended up in the terrible situation of her own making, wanting everything to be perfect, to exist all as she wanted it to, and to freeze there, what else could it have been a symptom of?

But with Steven had come knowledge that change was good, necessary, right. That her vision of the world wasn’t the best for everyone, not even for herself. Two years wasn’t long for a gem, not really, and yet for the first time in her long, long life, she had felt every single day, growing and changing in ways that she hadn’t since before Era One even. It had been hard, at times painful, but now she felt more at peace than she had in millenia. It was good, really, it was, especially the last six months with Spinel.

Yet…

In the days before Era One, when her, Yellow, and Blue had only been gemlings themselves, learning what it was to be diamonds, learning how to create their own society, learning everything together, being with one another in every way, she missed those days. They hadn’t been perfect, they were messy, chaotic, more mistakes than not, and they had been the happiest years of her life. Then Pink had come, and somehow, some way, that had been the end of that time. She had seen her Diamonds, loved them with everything she was, and determined that she would make everything perfect for them. And she had grown apart from them slowly but surely. Era One had started of her own volition, everything had gone right, but so wrong, and she had sequestered herself away from the only people who really reminded her of what it was like to live. She had paid the price. They all had with the loss of Pink.

But for her now? She could sense Blue and Yellow, she always had been able to, she never really understood why or how, perhaps because she was the oldest. When she had pulled back from Yellow and Blue they had gone on, seeking solace in one another, loving each other harder in her absence. In Era Two, they had stopped, the trauma of losing Pink too much, the demands of being perfect too heavy. She could count on one hand the times they had fallen together when the separation became too much. She sensed it every time, had allowed them their love even as they feared she wouldn’t. Perhaps it was that, and not a fourteen year old half-gem from Earth that should have clued her in to how much of a monster she had become. The people she loved feared her. It hadn’t hurt then, not really, but it did now, a constant ache, an ache that stopped her even though now all she wanted was to be with them again as they had been before. She wanted to lie in their arms, skin to skin, talking and loving, exchanging kisses and secrets and words of passion.

But here she was in her rooms instead. And it was fine. It had to be. Besides, she had promised Spinel they would spend the day together on their own, finding their own fun. Gems didn’t have children, not really, but Spinel felt like a daughter, or at least as close as White ever thought she would get to one. Pink had been a little sister for them all. It made sense that a daughter would take her place. 

White gasped in a breath, feeling Blue and Yellow much more intensely for a moment, white hot and blinding, a warmth that was far too intoxicating. Oh. They knew Spinel wouldn’t be coming to visit them. They had taken the day for themselves, perhaps to find each other again. Their acquaintance had been tentative, gaining speed in these last few months as they finally figured out just who they should be in this new Era. This would be the first time she had to feel them together as one since before Era Three had launched. Suddenly she wished Spinel was already here. She didn’t know where the little gem was, didn’t want to demand she hurry, but stars, she could use the distraction. 

Because if she wasn’t distracted soon, she would leave her room and bang on Yellow’s door, and beg them to take her back. But what if they didn’t take her back? What if they were still afraid? What if all that she had done to them was unforgivable? Oh, she knew that they had still loved her even through Era Two, most probably they would accept her back easily enough, but she worried, oh she worried. It seemed to be a good portion of what she did these days, having to balance her actions and consider them to make sure she wasn’t falling back into her old ways. There were too many what ifs. She couldn’t take that risk. What might she do if they didn’t accept her? Would she become a monster again, this time worse because her motives weren’t love but loss? No. She just needed to be distracted and to forget this nonsense before someone was hurt, herself or otherwise. 

And thankfully the door opened revealing no one but there was the sound of a drumroll in the background, a curtain appearing in the doorway, a distance audience clapping and cheering, and then with the crash of a cymbal Spinel stepped forward, leg stretching comically as she took a huge step into the doorway.

“Hiya, White!” She smiled up at the diamond, eyes thrilled.

“Hello, Spinel, I’m happy you’re here.” She sat down. She would never truly be on Spinel’s level, not really, but it was better than towering over the other gem.

“And I’m over the moon!” A little moon appeared and Spinel jumped over it, into the room. The door shut behind her and the fake audience sounds faded with it.

White laughed at her antics. Oh, she reminded her so much of Pink it made her ache, but this ache wasn’t a bad one, not really. The grief of Pink’s death had long since settled into warm remembrance, especially with the knowledge that she had found her own happiness in the end.

“What do you want to do today, Spinel?” White asked, holding her hand out for the other gem to climb on. Spinel hopped on without hesitation and White raised her so there were more eye to eye. A list appeared in Spinel’s hands, some items cross off already, but over half the page was still full of check boxes unfilled. 

“Well,” the gem said, drawing out the word comically. “Yellow and Blue said that you had a moon with an amusement park on it?” She turned hopeful eyes to White.

She did. She even thought it was still operational despite the fact that she hadn’t much used it in years and even the beginning of Era Three and the release of all their subjects hadn’t changed that as far as the paperwork she was still signing. They had stepped aside as rulers, but someone still needed to make sure shipments came on time and were distributed as they should, and no other gem in the new world where they were free to do anything they wanted, had wanted to do paperwork. White was happy enough to do it, to still have some use besides disposed despot. 

“Let me send a message to make sure everything is still operational, I haven’t been there in at least three millinia.” And that time had only really been to make sure that her subjects were working as they should. Otherwise it had been a place to send gems who had pleased her and nothing more, nothing like it was originally built for.

Spinel bounced up and down on her hand. She smiled fondly at the gem. “Don’t get too excited yet, I haven’t checked in since Era Three began.” But she quickly called up a screen and punched in the contact code.

A second later a very startled Agate answered. “White Diamond? Uh, how can I help you?” She sounded very unsure, though White wasn’t surprised. After the Diamonds ruling for thousands of years, most gems didn’t really know how to talk to them now they weren’t rulers.

She smiled at the gem kindly. “The park is still operational, yes?”

The Agate nodded quickly. “Yes, of course.”

“Wonderful.” 

Spinel jumped up on her shoulder so she could be seen on the screen. “All the rides?”

The Agate nodded. “Uh, yeah, all the rides.”

“Yay! We’ll have so much fun.” She turned to White with a huge smile.

White returned the smile. “Of course we will.” She turned back to the Agate. “Thank you for answering my question, have a nice day.” She ended the call. “Shall we find a warp pad then?”

“Yes!” 

White stood up, Spinel still on her shoulder as she walked from her room towards the nearest warp pad. “What would you like to ride first?”

“Is it true there’s a ride that catapults you into space like a slingshot before bringing you back down?”

“There is something like that, I believe, but space might be a bit of an exaggeration to how high you go.” She had never ridden it, certainly. Most of the rides could accommodate gems of any size, but that wasn’t one of them, and frankly, she never really wanted it to be. She was more a fan of spinning rides than death-defying ones.

“Then that one!” She bounced up and down on White’s shoulder, almost falling off when she landed wrong, windmilling her arms comically before settling back into a more stable position. 

“Would it be amenable if I watched you go on that ride instead of actually going on it?”

Spinel thought for a moment before nodding. “As long as you wait in line with me and then watch the whole time.”

“I’m more than happy to do that. This is our day together after all.”

Spinel lit up at that. Oh, she loved this little gem more than she could put words to, and it was so easy to keep her happy. All she wanted was to spend time with her, Yellow, or Blue, and time was something they had plenty of now, especially for her.

She stepped onto the warp pad and in a few seconds they were at the amusement park. She looked around. Things had changed, more rides had been added, a few of the old ones seemed to be missing too. She wondered when all of that had happened. Her records would probably show it, she probably had signed something allowing it, but half the time she hadn’t paid attention to it beyond knowing if it was to improve the empire or not. Other than that, she hadn’t much cared what it was they were doing.

“Oh my,” White said. “It’s different, there’s more than I remember.”

“We can ride the new things together then!” Spinel hopped off her shoulder, turning into a parachute to float down slowly. “Come on!”

White laughed as Spinel shot off towards the gates. She followed at a more sedate pace, keeping up easily. Long legs did have that advantage. Spinel went right for the ride she suggested and White followed, stepping into line quietly. Others in front of her started to part, old instincts dying hard, but she stayed at the back of the line where she belonged. After a minute, those in the front of the line got the message that she wasn’t here to demand they move out of her way and let her go first. 

Spinel turned into a kite and floated up to White’s shoulder again, perching on it before morphing back into her regular form. “Did you see they had cotton candy?”

White turned and blinked, confused. “Cotton candy?” What in the world was that? A new gem fusion? What gems would fuse that would call themselves that? Nothing came to mind.

“An Earth food. I saw it at Steven’s home when we were walking around. At a park like this. I never tried it, but it looks good.”

“You eat?” It wasn’t really surprising. Spinel was an odd little gem always doing funny things for entertainment.

“Sometimes.” She shrugged. “Mostly just to try things, not regularly. Steven’s Amethyst is the only gem I know that eats every day.”

White snorted. Spinel was an odd gem, but that Amethyst, she was weirder still. She spent a decent amount of time with her as Steven was helping them to reform. She didn’t mind her, honestly, if anything she rather admired the amount that she didn’t care what others thought. Perhaps if she had been like that, well, none of this would have happened. 

“I’ve never eaten...anything, I don’t think.” She didn’t need to, so why would she, and yet.

“You should try it sometimes, some things taste really good even if you don’t get anything else from it.” Spinel shrugged and in an instant she shifted, laying back on a divan, a palm frond fanning her and a bunch of grapes above her mouth, dropping one by one inside as she chewed rather comically.

“Perhaps we should get some of this cotton candy later then?” Trying something new wouldn’t be bad for her, really. It felt like something that would help her at least somewhat stick to this new path. And Spinel was smiling and nodding, also trying cotton candy would make her little gem happy, and that was really more than enough of a reason to do it.

Another rocket of feeling shot through her. She couldn’t help but gasp again, not giving into the urge to bend forward and put her hands on her knees. Oh, even half a star system away, she could feel them just as strongly as if she was on Home World. She blinked to clear her senses and turned back to Spinel. The little gem was looking at her, concerned, and she couldn’t very well have that, now could she.

“Tell me, what foods have you tried, dear.” She was honestly curious, but getting attention off her slip would be a nice side effect.

Spinel hesitated for another moment before finally diving into a list, more often than not turning herself into the dish she was talking about for a laugh. And White did laugh, she did, but eventually, another smaller jolt drew her attention away again. She could hear Spinel still speaking, but she couldn’t process the words anymore. Blue and Yellow used to distract her like this before, at the start of Era One, before she had withdrawn completely. They had coaxed her into their bed again, and she had secretly loved that they still wanted her there even as she pushed them away. She felt tears starting to well at the corners of her eyes, but she couldn’t let them fall. This wasn’t a day about her, this was her day with Spinel. She breathed in a silent, deep breath and managed to focus back on Spinel just as she stopped speaking, now in the shape of a very ridiculous looking banana.

She smiled at Spinel and shook her head. “Stay like that long and perhaps an intergalactic monkey might try to eat you.”

“Nah, I got that covered too.” She morphed from banana to pink leopard, then tiger, then a lion, and a cheetah all in rapid succession. “That out to cover most monkeys, I think. Something big and scary with large teeth.”

“Well, I am big and I can be scary, the large teeth are relative. But I would certainly protect you from being eaten.”

Spinel’s look was the one that always sent a little spike through White’s heart, that grateful, almost worshipful look that screamed how grateful she was to have a family again. If Pink were still around, White thought she might throttle her for what she’d done to this little gem. How could she be so selfish to a person who just wanted to love her.

Oh. Well. Pot calling the kettle black then, wasn’t she? Perhaps today was just not going to be her day. That was fine, it wasn’t supposed to be anyway.

“Uh, my diamond?” The ride attendant called up to her. “It’s your turn.”

Spinel hopped down, this time turning into an umbrella. She landed and rushed forward. White signalled for the gem to go ahead when she looked up at White with apprehensive eyes. It wasn’t built for her and she wasn’t about to try and fit, and blame the attendant when she didn’t.

“Are you gonna watch, White?” Spinel called after being strapped in.

“Of course, I promised I would.” 

Spinel smiled and then the next second she was launching into the air, screaming and laughing and looking much like she was having the time of her life. White watched every second of it, finding peace in the other gem’s happiness. If she could just exist in the moment she would be fine. She had to be.

The attendant let Spinel off and then she was on her shoulder once again. “Where to now?” She asked.

“One of the spinning ones. Have you ridden any of those?” Her eyes morphed into spirals and she started to sway around like she was dizzy.

White chuckled and nodded. “I have. They’re my favorite rides.”

“Take me to your most favorite then!”

“Alright then.” White set off for the far corner of the park where the swings were. She had always loved the swings. It was a simple ride, not very thrilling at all, and yet, somehow, always so fun. Yellow had always teased her for liking the swings best, but Blue had understood. She’d always gone with her to ride. It was one of the few rides Blue would go on. She wasn’t much for thrills, that was all Yellow’s domain, really, and White herself fell somewhere in the middle. They had been so well balanced together. Why had she not seen that that was all the perfection she truly needed?

The line for the swings was short, it always had been. Another reason why she liked the ride, really, the short wait. They waited for the current round of people to stop spinning and then they were allowed to go pick out seats of their own. Spinel glided to a set of seats, one meant for a gem her size beside one big enough for White. She strapped herself in quickly and smiled up at White. White smiled down at her before sitting down gracefully and buckling in.

“So swings are you favorite, huh?” Spinel asked as they waited for the rest of the seats to fill. She kicked her legs back and forth, jostling the chair side to side.

“They are. I never had the ability to float like Pink or fly like some other gems. This is the closest I think I’ve come. It’s nice.”

Spinel nodded at that, a bit of understanding in her gaze that belied her normal silly attitude. Being left on the garden world for six millenia had given her insight that another Spinel wouldn’t have. She supposed that was why Spinel worked with them, fitting in with the diamonds nicely, and yet, oh and yet. She reached out and ruffled the other gem’s hair with a gentle fingertip.

“If you wanted to ride the exciting rides, come with Yellow,” she teased.

Spinel’s hair shifted comically into a poofball and she faked a scowl before shaking her head and setting it to rights. “I help Yellow put back together gems most of the time. I’m good at puzzles.”

Huh, White would’ve never guessed that. “No adventures with her then?”

Spinel shook her head. “I think she’s had too many for now. Maybe later.”

White looked at the ground. Well, she supposed that would make sense. Yellow had always been on the go, always with a new colony to conquer or one to check up on, another war to fight somewhere. She hadn’t even thought of that. Oh, what had she done to her adventurer? It had been easier to tell what had happened to Blue, she had always been one with her heart on her sleeve, even before, but Yellow. Oh, Yellow.

“I think...I think an adventure with you would be good for her, when she’s ready. You help us so much, Spinel.” Her voice was quiet, almost drowned out by the screams of delighted gems on other rides, the whir of machinery, the hubbub of others talking and laughing.

But Spinel smiled, bright as ever. “You really think so?”

“I know so. I looked forward to today a great amount. Having a reason to be out of the palace, well, it’s good for me. You help remind us of the things we’re supposed to be doing to help ourselves and the universe heal.”

There were quite literal stars in Spinel’s eyes, but she didn’t get to say anything else as the swings finally lifted off the ground, taking them high into the air before spinning them around and around, tilting them this way and that. White felt laughter bubble out of her chest without her permission, but she didn’t mind. This was truly fun. It felt good to laugh in unison with someone she cared about. Spinel looked like she was having the time of her life even on such a tame ride. She wondered if it was to humor her, but she rather thought not. Spinel had left that on Earth when she had inherited the love and support of the diamonds and a chance to be better once again. It was amazing what the right support system could do for a gem.

The ride finally slowed down, finishing its turns before lowering them to the ground again. She unstrapped herself from the ride and stood, Spinel already on her shoulder again, bouncing on her toes for the next experience. 

“The excitement says you have somewhere in mind for us to be?” She asked, walking out of the gates for the swings and back to the midway.

Spinel pointed dead ahead of them. Well, it was another spinning ride, granted not one that White had ever been on, but it looked...tolerable, if a bit thrilling for her tastes. She looked at the ride going, a pendulum swinging back and forth while the base spun around slowly. There seemed to be seats for gems her size. Did she really want to go on it, or just beg off, that was the question.

“I suppose that one will do. How about afterwards we get cotton candy.” That way if it was rather too much for her, she had a chance for a break before being drug off to a new ride.

Spinel nodded eagerly. “Yeah! We gotta get the blue kind, I heard that one’s better than the pink kind.”

“But the pink kind would match you, dear heart.”

Spinel shrugged. “Eh.” She turned herself blue. “Now the blue kind would match.”

White laughed. “I suppose that’s fair then. Perhaps we should buy both kinds and see for ourselves which is better.”

“Ok!” Spinel looked as if she’d just hit the jackpot, not been told there was more cotton candy in her future, but oh, it warmed White’s heart so much she didn’t much care that it _wasn’t_ a jackpot. It felt like it to her.

She walked them to the line for the next ride and watched as it swung back and forth and the current occupants screamed in both terror and delight. “You know, it occurs to me that most likely you haven’t ever been on such rides before. How do you know that you won’t be scared once you get on them?”

Spinel was quiet for a long moment before answering. “I don’t think that anything about a ride could scare me. I’ve already lived my worst fears and it definitely wasn’t a fear of heights or of the ride breaking and throwing us a thousand feet up in the air.”

Well, now White was a bit apprehensive about that happening, but that was beside the point at the moment. “I’m sorry, Spinel. I didn’t mean to make you think of that.”

“It’s ok, really, I’m getting better.” She tucked herself into White’s neck, hugging her tightly. “Besides, we’re having fun now. I don’t want to stop having fun.”

“I understand.” At some point she needed to have Yellow shrink her down to Spinel’s size, maybe still a bit bigger. She wanted to give the gem a proper hug, they both rather needed it, she thought.

“Besides,” Spinel said, brightening up appreciably. “They’ve all been so fun so what’s to be scared of!”

White chuckled at that. “I suppose that’s one way to look at it.”

“Why are you and Blue scared of any rides. You’re diamonds. It would take so much to even scratch you.”

It was White’s turn to pause at that. “I’m not sure. I don’t think there’s truly a reason beyond a sort of primal fear. It isn’t rational. You’re right in that most of these rides could break and throw us halfway across the world and I’d likely be no worse for wear, but.” She shrugged gently as to not jostle Spinel too much. “There are a great deal of things I fear that aren’t entirely rational. I think that’s just part of being a gem.”

“You would think the fact that we’re just sentient rocks would prevent us from all that.” She turned into a boulder with comical cartoon eyes.

“Ah, the sentience is what gets us, don’t you think?” 

“Yeah...probably. But then we also get to do cool stuff like this.” She turned into a one man band and walked along White’s shoulder making an awful ruckus but White couldn’t help but laugh even as her eardrums wanted to bleed from the noise.

“That’s supposed to be a perk? I’d much rather a string quartet.”

“Oh I can do that too!” And in an instant the racket went away and soothing music replaced it and White sighed happily. 

“Now that I can get behind as being cool.”

Spinel giggled. “I think if that’s what’s cool then I think you might be a little lame, White.”

“Me, lame? Never!” She gasped as if scandalized, but really, after practically locking herself away for almost six thousand years, she was surprised she wasn’t _more_ behind the times. Popular culture had never really been her thing anyway, even before all of this. Blue and Yellow had been better, but none of them were really anything nearing hip. That had been Pink more than anyone else. She’d been the one to keep up with all the latest trends and music and threw all their parties. She had just showed up and enjoyed.

“That’s ok, I’m here to make things fun and relevant.”

White smiled fondly at Spinel. “That you are, dearest, that you are.”

The line moved forward and they were one of the last few people through. White found one of the larger seats right next to a small one once again and sat Spinel down in it before situating herself.

“If I scream like a coward, tell no one.” White winked at her, leaning around the restraints so she could actually see Spinel once again.

Spinel held up her hand, pinky out. “Pinky promise.”

White didn’t really know what to do so she tentatively held out her own pinky and touched it to Spinel’s. Spinel wrapped her pinky around White’s for a moment before releasing.

“Pinky promise? I’ve never heard of such a thing.” The floor was starting to drop away from them. She sat back as the ride started to spin slowly.

“It’s a super serious type of promise that no one will ever break, especially not me.”

White laughed quietly. “Ah, I see, well then thank you, Spinel.”

Then the ride truly started to swing back and forth and White gripped the handles of her harness hard. They were climbing higher and higher, spinning all the time. It occurred to her that at the top of the arc, if the ride spun the right way she wouldn’t be able to see the ground at all, and would perhaps be tilting backwards as if she would fall out head first towards the ground. She didn’t know if that was more terrifying that the next realization that at some point she’d also be facing the ground as well. But Spinel was already laughing and screaming in delight and White decided to focus on that instead. And with that suddenly it did seem a lot more fun. That same flying feeling of the swings was magnified here, and at the top of the arc, once the ride had reached top speed, she was weightless for a few moments before swinging back towards the ground. She actually managed to laugh, at least when she was facing towards the sides anyway. Those were her favorite views, she could pretend she wasn’t quite trapped on a ride that went beyond the pull of gravity.

And as much fun as she had, well, she didn’t regret when the ride slowed and then stopped, the floor coming back up to meet her feet. She unbuckled and stood up, adrenaline still coursing through her. She thought she would ride it again, but perhaps not this trip. Once was enough.

She held out her hand for Spinel who climbed on with one hop. “To cotton candy then?” She asked.

“Yeah!”

“Did you see where the stands were?” White navigated back to the midway. They were probably somewhere along there, but where.

“Towards the front.”

“Alright then.” She walked back the way they came, strides eating up a hundred feet at a time. It didn’t take her long to get back to the front of the park and Spinel pointed to a stand with bags of fluffy looking confection hanging from it. Spinel hopped down and grabbed a bag of pink and a bag for blue and handed the Jasper running the stand the requisite money before turning back to White with a smile. 

“We should find a bench.” And she took off, legs blurring as she went to search out a perfect place to sit. White shook her head and followed. She had a feeling that was what most of this trip really consisted of, her shaking her head and following Spinel. She’d do it for another hundred years, gladly, though. 

She caught up with the other gem easily, sitting on a bench in the shade that was sized for White. She sank down carefully, aware of where Spinel was at all times so she didn’t accidentally squish her. Spinel already had the bag of blue cotton candy open and held out a large chunk of it to White.

“Here, we should try the blue first.” Spinel shoved a huge chunk of cotton candy into her mouth with her other hand and then smiled, blue stains around her mouth already. “Oh it is good!”

White took what Spinel was offering and brought it to her lips. She inhaled cautiously. It didn’t really smell like much, just of sugar and a bit of flavoring. It wouldn’t be that bad, really. She put it on her tongue and it melted instantly, leaving sweetness in its wake and the vague taste of something fruity behind. Huh. Interesting. She actually didn’t mind it. She smiled and wondered idly if they should buy a bag for Blue. She had liked to eat sweet things on occasion once upon a time. And well, the cotton candy did come in blue. The irony wasn’t lost on her. Spinel would love to give it to her, she was sure. She would have a huge smile on her face and it would make them both so happy.

Absently, her hand rubbed at her chest, almost where a heart would be, if she had one. There was an ache there that she didn’t quite understand. Why her chest of all places? Why not her gem? Why not her head? Why not a thousand other places that would make just as much sense as over a heart that no gem had, save for Steven. She sighed quietly and took the next bit of cotton candy that Spinel offered her.

“You’re sad,” Spinel said, looking up at White with clear, knowing eyes.

White blinked down at her, already shaking her head. “Of course I’m not. I’m having a good day with you.” But of course that was when another spike of feeling from Yellow this time, she thought, went through her. She could feel the love, the completeness, the satisfied exhaustion. They had been going at it for rather a while now. They would probably settle in to nap after this thankfully. However that was little consolation. Spinel had _seen_ the moment the pain had crossed her face.

“Pink was sad too, when you were all together without her. She felt left out, like she couldn’t reach any of you. You loved her, she knew it, but she felt like an annoyance sometimes, wanting to be included in everything, especially once you drew away and Blue and Yellow tried to follow. Do you feel left out now too?”

White felt her eyes slip closed. She felt too much in this instance. Far, far too much, for Pink, for Spinel, for herself. She ate the bit of cotton candy she was holding to give herself a moment of time to recover. The sweetness on her tongue and the lingering feelings of Yellow and Blue didn’t do her much good.

“It’s a long story, dear heart. I’m not sure I really have the words to describe what I feel.” She opened her eyes and looked down at Spinel. She was sure she looked sad, but she couldn’t much help it. She was done suppressing what she felt. Sometimes though, oh sometimes she missed it.

“Talking about it helped me. At least I think it did in the long run. When I told Steven, when we were in the garden, telling him about everything that had happened, it felt like a weight off my chest.” She laughed, embarrassed. “Of course that, uh, didn’t last long and I sort of might of broke the world a little bit more when I thought he only listened to get me to stop the injector, but you know. It worked out?” She shrugged helplessly. “It did help later. The next time around, when it was with Blue. And I mean, I’m not Blue and in touch with my feelings or even a doctor. But it could help if you talked to me.” A second later and she was dressed much like an old stereotypical psychiatrist, complete with glasses, notepad, and chaise lounge. “And now I’m a doctor so!”

White laughed once, not truly feeling the mirth, but she did appreciate the sentiment. “I wouldn’t want to burden you with all these feelings, Spinel.”

“It’s not a burden...well, I mean it is, but I asked for it. I want to help. You helped me, I help you. It’s only fair, right?”

“I suppose it is, yes but…” she trailed off.

“Just start where you think is best.” Spinel’s hand was small and warm against her thigh and White couldn’t help the sob that escaped her. She tried to hold the others that followed in, but she couldn’t. Here she was crying on a bench in an amusement park in front of the gems that used to be her subjects. She would have never imagined this. She really didn’t want it to be happening now. She doubled forward, pressing her face into her knees, trying to regain her composure but it didn’t help. There was too much. She’d been holding it back for too long. Maybe this was truly the last thing that she hadn’t worked through in the past two years. Oh, and there was just so much, too much, how could she ever begin?

“You know in the beginning of gem society, it was just me for a few hundred years, right? It wasn’t long, it seemed like a blink, I didn’t much know what was going on, I was a gemling. What do gemlings really know. But then Yellow and Blue emerged, almost at the same time and I loved them immediately. They loved me too. We fell together so easily and finding myself with them, it was always right. Everything we built, we built for one another in the early days. Everything that gem society later became, it all came from how much we loved one another.” She laughed, a watery pitiful thing. “Can you imagine that? Do you think anyone would guess that? With how everyone feared us, I don’t think they would.”

She heard Spinel scribbling things down on her notepad. “Mhm, yes, tell me more,” she said in a vaguely accented voice, though what accent, White wasn’t sure.

“I think I was the happiest I’ve ever been then. No empire, just the vague beginnings of all this now, no technology to speak of, and I was happiest. Because I had them. Because they had me. Then came Pink. She was our little sister in a way. We loved her, we wanted everything to be perfect for her. We committed ourselves to building up everything so she could have whatever she wanted.”

“But all she wanted was you.”

White looked up to an almost heartbroken Spinel. A few more tears slipped out as she shook her head. “Oh, but we only know that now, Spinel. We didn’t realize it then, especially not me. I pulled away, I was the oldest, I was the most powerful, I had to do more. I did more. And I broke everything that was good in the end. I didn’t mean to, stars, I didn’t. I thought it was getting better. Maybe because I didn’t have them anymore, I didn’t see it. I spent all my time alone, with my subjects, not with them, not being happy, just working, and I slipped. I slipped into being the monster that everyone thought of me. And that was before Era Two. Losing Pink just made everything that much worse. I remember it, that icy control over everyone around me. I thought it felt good, cold and measured, nothing unexpected.” She reached out to caress Spinel’s face gently. “But unexpected things sometimes are the best things about life. I don’t know when I lost that knowledge. There are a lot of things I’ve lost to time. I just…” she trailed off.

“Well, how does it make you feel?” Spinel asked, going back to scribbling on her notepad again, but the act wasn’t quite as strong anymore.

“Out of control. I wish. I wish I could remember. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had the anchors I once did. I wish. There are so many things I wish for, dear heart. So many things. But I would damn all the rest if I could just…” she trailed off again and sighed heavily. It wasn’t even worth speaking the words out loud.

“If you could be with Blue and Yellow again like you were. In love. Happy.”

White nodded, unable to say anything more.

The psychiatrist garb disappeared and it was just Spinel in front of her now, honest as she could be, pigtails drooping just a little. “Did you ever think about talking to them? I’ve heard them talking about you too, about the old days. They’re so glad to have some of you back now, glad to be able to talk to you again, glad that you listen. I think they still love you. And even if they don’t love you like they once did, well, they aren’t about to leave you alone for six thousand years on an abandoned garden in space.” She smiled, trying to make a joke out of it, but there was still pain in her eyes at the words. 

“Spinel, dear heart, you don’t have to make light of what happened to you, not with me, not ever. Those feelings are important and heavy. They made you who you are now. I love who you are now. And with that...you don’t have to try so hard to make me happy. I already am so happy when I’m with you, ok? Please don’t hurt yourself in any way just to please me. Your other bits are funny enough.”

Spinel started to cry and White picked her up and brought her to her chest, holding her close. Everything had gone wrong because of decisions she had once made. She was fixing it now, she was, but witnessing the ripples of the consequences of her actions now that she actually cared to know about them, it never got any easier.

“Maybe one day it will be funny?” Spinel asked.

“It’s ok if it isn’t.”

She felt the little gem nodding into her chest. “Ok.” Another quiet few, sniffle filled moments. “I still think you should talk to them, though. It could help bring you all peace. And if they do still want you, and I really think they do, White, I do, imagine how happy we could all be together. Imagine the adventures we could all go on.”

“Mostly I’m imagining you and Yellow riding every single ride in this place together. And the amount of silly photos that would end up on our datapads.” She smiled for the first time since she’d sat down. “Do you truly think it will work out?”

“I do. They want you. They always have, even in Era Two. That’s why it hurt so much, what you did.”

“What if they don’t forgive me?” She swallowed hard. That’s always what it came back to, wasn’t it. What if they didn’t forgive her. How would she not shatter from grief?

“They already have.”

She pulled Spinel up to her eye level and looked at her, trying to see if there was actual truth in her words. And she looked completely resolute in her convictions. And suddenly she had to know, had to see if it was all true. It outweighed her fear, outweighed everything. If she didn’t know right now then she would shatter, she felt it, felt the fracture lines running through her gem, creaking ominously, warning her that she had to go. It would be worse if she didn’t. She would drive herself mad. She had to go. 

“Spinel, is it alright with you if we cut our day a little short?” She sounded breathless, far away, as if she was already back in the palace.

“Are you going to go talk with them?” Spinel looked hopeful.

“I think...I think I have to.”

Spinel turned into an old, stooped over butler and gestured towards the front of the park, gripping onto a bedecked cane. “Then right this way, madame.”

White laughed and this time found that she actually meant it. “Well then, how can I refuse.”

She walked them back to the warp pad and took them home. She set Spinel down as she stepped from the surface.

“Will you be ok by yourself the rest of the day?”

Spinel nodded. “I’m sure I can find someone fun to play with!” She started to bounce off towards the hall before she turned around. “I’ll see you all tomorrow, though right?”

“Of course, dear heart. Find us in the morning, we’ll all be delighted to see you.” She smiled at the little gem to show her sincerity. 

“Good. Ok then, good luck! But you really won’t need it.” And she bounced away.

White took a deep breath. This was it then. It was truly going to happen. She just had to make her feet move. The burning need from before was still there, but now her anxiety was waging war against it. Being in the palace was too much. And yet. She pushed herself forward anyway. She had to know. She opened herself up just enough to know where they were, Yellow’s rooms by the direction she was walking. She breathed in again, trying to keep herself calm as her long strides ate up the distance until she was standing at Yellow’s door. She froze again for another long second before finally knocking.

“Come in,” Blue called, voice floaty and full of bliss and White viscerally remembered that voice, remembered hearing it after being pressed skin to skin against the other diamond, after bringing them both to release, full of satisfaction and love. She remembered the smile that goes with that tone of voice, slow and unhurried like honey and just as sweet.

She felt the need to bolt cross her mind. She couldn't do this. Not after they’ve spent the whole day together, finding themselves in one another, becoming one again, two whole strong gems, somehow adding into something more. She’d never fused, but she supposed she did understand why so many gems liked to live as a fusion, thinking about it that way. How had she denied them that for so long? How could she face Blue and Yellow now. How?

But her hand pressed the buttons to open the door of its own volition and there they were, nestled together in Yellow’s throne, quietly working on paperwork on their own datapads. Their cheeks were flushed still, their skin glowing, lips still kiss swollen. They certainly hadn’t been working on paperwork very long at all. They glanced up at her, curious, eyes still a bit glazed and stars, they’re beautiful. It made the words so hard to choke out, but she swallowed hard. If she didn't do it right then she might never do it at all.

“Can we talk?” She managed to choke out. 

Both Yellow and Blue looked rather shocked. White stepped in the room, letting the door close behind her. She didn't just want to stand there with them watching her while they talked. That felt like too much, it felt like she wouldn’t say as much as she truly needed to. She looked at the space beside Blue in front of Yellow’s throne. Millenia ago she used to sit in front of Blue or Yellow, mostly Blue really, Yellow was always one to jump up every few minutes, always in action. She would lean her head on Blue’s leg and just relax there. Maybe if…

She took one tentative step forward then another, until she was sinking down in front of Blue and leaning her head on her thigh. She sighed quietly. She had forgotten how right this felt, the warmth of Blue’s skin underneath her cheek. There were a few hesitant seconds and then Blue’s hand was in her hair, stroking through it gently. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. Blue used to do this too, almost absently most days, scratching her scalp in a lovely, warm way, that reminded her she was loved even as they both did other things. She pressed her face harder into Blue’s thigh, it was too much, but stars, was it not enough.

“Of course, White, what is it that you want to talk about?” Blue asked quietly. Her voice was always quiet, but now it felt as if it were hushed in expectation. She felt Yellow’s eyes on her too, waiting, watching, seeing where this was going. She could feel Yellow tighten her grip on Blue, protecting her still. She stifled a sob in her chest. She didn’t want Yellow to have to protect Blue from her. She just wanted to love them again so badly. Please, stars, give her the right words to say.

“Before Era One...before Pink...before everything. You both remember how it was, yes? With, with all of us?”

She felt them pull in a collective breath. She waited. They had to be speaking to each other with just their eyes in that way that close lovers had. She didn’t turn around to see if her suspicions were right. She remembered when she used to be able to do that with them. She wondered if she still could.

“Of course we do,” Blue said, finally.

Yellow snorted loudly. “We barely knew what we were doing back then.”

“But we were happy,” Blue said. “So very happy.” She sighed, relaxing at the memories.

“We were,” Yellow agreed, sounding a bit less gruff than usual.

White closed her eyes, lifted her head off of Blue’s thigh and leaned back against the arm of the throne. Blue’s hand didn't move from her hair, still scratching a steady rhythm. It was that, more than anything that allowed her to get the next words out of her mouth. “Do you ever think...Do you ever think that perhaps, perhaps it could be like that again. With all of us, together?” 

She froze, waiting, hoping, desperate. Her chest hurt again and she rubbed at the pain, hoping it would go away. Hoping that what whatever Blue and Yellow said next it wouldn't make it worse. If they denied her, she knew she would break, brittle as she is. Oh, she might not actually shatter, but what will be the difference? She would still be broken. But at the same time, she would _know,_ and that would be a relief in some ways even as the pain mounted. Hope hurt so much. She couldn't seem to catch her breath even though she didn’t need to breathe. How many moments had passed since she stopped speaking, one, a hundred, a thousand? It seemed like none and too many to count.

“What is...is that what you want? You want it to be like that again, is that what you’re saying.” Yellow set a hand on White’s shoulder, a counterpoint to Blue’s hand still in her hair. She felt the warmth of Yellow seep into her, felt the rough calluses of a warrior's hand scrape along her skin. She remembered what those hands felt like on other, more sensitive parts of her. She couldn’t help but let a few tears fall. It’s too much. It’s not enough. It was ripping her apart to get to where they needed to go. How was she supposed to stand all of this, her heart on her sleeve, practically begging to be taken back.

“If, if you both would wish it, yes. Stars, yes, I want you both so much. But only if you want me in return. You both have something special. I don’t want to come between that. I don’t want to force you into anything because of what lies in our past. I never want to force you again. Never again.” And her tears were flowing freely now. She couldn’t open her eyes, couldn’t meet what she was sure were curious gazes of both Blue and Yellow. She felt as if she were floating in space, untethered, without a home, longing for a planet again.

“Oh stars,” Yellow whispered.

And then suddenly White felt Blue shifting, pushing herself up from the throne. She opened her eyes to see the other diamond kneeling in front of her, just barely taller than her sitting even though she was on her knees. She had always loved that she was taller than both Yellow and Blue. It felt like she could protect them better from whatever threats came their way. 

Blue was looking at her, eyes intense, darting this way and that, taking her all in. White let her look, kept her expression open, let her see everything. After thousands of years of closing herself off, it was perhaps the hardest thing she’d ever done, but it was immediately worth it. Blue tilted her chin up and kissed her, slow, but oh so eager, a relearning of everything they had once known without thought.

She felt Yellow shifting too, the next second she was tucked under White’s arm, resting her head on White’s chest, sighing, content. And now White felt herself crying again, but these were happy tears. She raised her free arm to wrap around Blue, drawing her in closer, smiling into their kiss. Oh it was truly everything she had been wanting. Every little piece seemed to slot back into place. So much had changed, so much still had to be worked out, of course it did. They couldn’t just fall into this without working out all of the things that had fallen apart before. They had learned that the hard way, but now they could, without fear. She felt the certainty that it would be fine, even if there were bumps in the road. Because she had known life without them now, and she never wanted to face it again. She would work through any issue to find compromise if it just meant that she could continue to love these two gems.

Blue finally pulled back after a long minute. Both of them were breathless and Blue’s face was flushed prettily. White caressed her cheeks gently, smiling.

“Oh Blue, my beautiful, wonderful, Blue. I’ve missed you. I missed this.” White couldn't help but laugh. She felt lighter than she had in...stars how long had it been?

“Yes, yes, you miss her, but what about me?” Yellow grumped. 

White turned toward her, from the smile trying to pull at the corners of Yellow’s mouth, she wasn’t truly grumpy. “Patience never has been your virtue,” she teased. But then she turned Yellow into her, tilted up her chin, and kissed her. Where Blue was gentle, relearning everything slowly, Yellow was action, diving forward, licking against her lips immediately, seeking entrance, plundering her mouth in delicious strokes of tongue. Blue leaned forward, tucking herself under White’s chin as she continued to kiss Yellow until both of them were breathless and pulling back for air.

White couldn’t help but smile, looking between Blue and Yellow, seeing their flushed faces and freshly kissed lips, feeling their warmth against her, she was so happy. Spinel had been right. She couldn’t wait for the little gem to find them in the morning, but for now. Oh for now she was just going to bask in this glorious feeling. It had been a very long time since she actually felt perfect, even as she strived to be the most perfect being in the universe, but here, in this moment, with both her lovers against her? She felt perfect once more. 


End file.
